Tll^ 



IIIIHIlllllllldlllllllllllllllllllllHIIHIIIIIIIIIIIIiyilllllllllllllllllllllHIIIB 




inmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiHiii iHiiiiiiiHHiiHiiiiiiinni 





^ AN D^ "^ 





V 



VAR,IEfrBUSINESS. 




U. S. Engraving Works, 24 Veaey St 



>^b 



TMP9fc-006758 



Copyrighted by A. jF. Fismm, 98 Nassaa street. New York, 1879, 

The Two Awfuls. 

A COMIC SKETCH. 

Bv Saul Sertrew. 

J^or yuveniles. Black or White, introducing Singings Vane* 
ing, yokes, and Funny Business., 

Characters. 

JAKEY, A Lively Boy. Z^r^jj— Short blue jacket, brass buttons ; yel- 
low trousers, very large in the seat ; blue stockings ; large shoes;, 
short-hair red wig, and broad turn-down collar. 

SUKEY, A Lively Girl. Dress— Large red plaid short skirt ; long 
striped stockings ; extra large shoes ; yellow shock wig. 

Scene : Large room, door in flat to open showing closet. 
Table C, with red cloth cover. Chair R. and L. Tin tray 
on table. Noise and confusion outside as if some one was 
getting whipped. Loud voice exclaiming, " Go to your 
room, you noisy brats. Nice quiet children you are, indeed ; 
haven't been here a day, and you've turned the bouse up- 
side down !" 

Enter Sukey, R. 2> E., with a book in one hand, and rubbing 
her shoulder with the other. 

SUKEY — This is a nice Seminary for young ladies ! You 
can't open your mouth or breathe through your nose without 
getting a licking. (Takes chair and sits one leg across the 
other. Turns over leaves of her book, as) 

Enter Jakey, L. 3 E.., with slate in one hand, and rubbing hu 
hip with the other. 

Jakey — Nice University this is to send boys to to get a 



2 

college eddication. You can't talk above a whisper, blow 
your nose, or take a drink of water without getting wholloped. 
(Takes chair and writes on slate ; discovers Sukey.) What 
you reading, Sukey ? 

Sukey (takes out letter from book)— A letter I saw the 
Professor reading, and he dropped it, and I found it, and it's 
from uncle. 

Jakey — What does he say ? 

Sukey (reading letter) — 
''Dear Professor-^ accept the terms for the tuition of my 
little niece and nephew, and place them in your charge ; they 
are two little orphans, and models of good deportment and 
stillness, (Jakey — That's a whopper.) but should they misbe- 
have in any way, don't stand on ceremony, but whollop them 
within an inch of their lives." 

That's a nice uncle to have, ain't it, Jakey ? 

Jakey — Yes, and I'm going to run away the first chance I 
get. I think uncle has only sent us here to get rid of us be- 
cause we've got the " Saint invite us dance " (St. Vitus Dance). 

Sukey (puts one foot on table)— Yes, this is an awful place, 
and they call us the " two awfuls." 

Jakey— Sukey, put that big foot of yours down ; it looks 
like bill-board for posters. 

Sukey (puts foot down) — You better go let yours out for 
the dry goods business. 

Jakey — Why ? 

Sukey— Because they use three feet to measure a yard, 
and it would only take one of yours. 

Jakey — Do you know that young ladies' feet are very 
dangerous to have about the house nowadays ? They're liable 
to set fire to things. 

Sukey — Why ? 

Jakey— 'Cause they're all crazy for walking matches. 

Sukey — I know what you are crazy for» 

Jakey— What ? 



3 

SuKEY — Getting good lickings. 

JAKEY — Why ? 

SuKEY — 'Cause you spend all your pennies for licorice. 

Jakey — ^You ought to be a candy woman. 

SuKEY— Why ? 

Jakey — Because when you got married, if you didn't be- 
have yourself, your husband could lick you. 

Sukey (drops book and looks off, R.) — O, Jakey, look over 
there ; see the musical instruments ; this ain't our room ; this 
is the conservatory ! 

Jakey (gets up and looks off, R.) — Conservatory ! why, 
that's a place for sweetmeats ; let's go and see if we can find 
some. (Runs off, R.) 

Sukey (goes to cupboard in flat, brings out jar, and puts 
her fingers in and licks them off.) — And I've found some I 
Raspberry jam, and I'm goi:ag to have a jamboree. 

Etiter jokcy, zutik banjo. 

Jakey — O, Sukey, look what I found. 

Sukey — O, you better go put that back. If the Professor 
should catch you with that banjo, he'd give you an awful 
licking. 

Jakey — O, he's gone to bed. Come, let's have some fun • 
we won't make any noise. Let's play circus. 

Sukey (pushes table aside) — No ; let's play theatre, and 
I'll be the audience. (Pulls off table cover and v/raps it about 
her ; jumps on table and fans herself with the tin tray.) Go 
ahead, Jakey. 

Jakey (tunes banjo, plays and sings the following song): 

HOW DO LIKE THE STYLE ? 
Air . " Any Old Clothes to Mend." 

O, she is the gal for to catch all the beaux, 
She sets them all. crazy wherever she goes ; 
A duck of a hat on the back of her head, 
And stockings all striped like the tick of a bed — 
How do you like the style ? 



(A jig can be introduced by Sukev.^ 

To dress in the style is the ladies' delight. 
With " pull-backs " to squeeze them so awfully tight. 
And heels like a steeple to walk on their toes ; 
I once tried it on, but I fell on my nose — 

How do you like the style ? Dance, 

(Noise outside.) 

Jakey (alarmed) — I, golly, we've woke somebody up ; let's 

go and hide. (He runs under table, and Sukey in the door in 

flat.) 

(Sudden crash is heard.) 

SUKEY opens door in flat, and stands with head and face 
all covered with flour, as if she had upset a pan of flour. 
(Holds out right arm, and points with finger at Jakey). 

Jakey (alarmed, comes out from under table and stands 
looking at her, trembling all over.) — O, Lord, wbat's that? 
(Sukey comes slowly forward.) Oh, it's a ghost ! it's a ghost ! 
and it's coming for me. (Falls on his knees.) Oh, Mr. 
Ghost, it wasn't me ; it wasn't mc. (Sukey comes forward, 
pointing her finger within an inch of Jakey's mouth. Jakey 
grabs her finger and bites it.) 

Sukey (screams and slaps him over the face). — What do 
you mean by biiing my finger? 

Jakey — Well, you frightened me so, I couldn't help it. I 
thought you was a real ghost. 

Sukey — No ; I was only playing the ghost of Hamlet's 
father. 

Jakey — Well, come, don't let's play ghost any more. I 
don't like to play ghosts. Let's play opera, and you shall be 
the prima donna. (Takes her hand and leads her forvvard, 
burlesque style) : Ladies and gentlemen — Allow me to intro- 
duce Mademoiselle Sukey ne-ne, the celebrated " upper attic 
singer," Both sing duet or comic opera, and— 

[GURTAXN.] 



X>XZICSI 



OZVGr HBOOXCS. 



1. Jenny Hiiiflies' Dolly V'arden. 

2. Squeeze Me, Joe. 

3. Johnny Wil.l's Dat Settles Dat. 

4. Jennie" Engle's Grand Parade. 

5. Sheridan & Mack's Character. 

6. Harrigan A Hart's Muloahy Twins. 

7. Johnny Roach's (ireatest. 

8. Kiss Behind the Door. 

9. Delehanty & Hengler's Songs, Ac. 

10. Miles Morris' Irish Gems. 

11. Foy Sisters Songster. 

\-2, McKee & Rogers' Rebecca Jane. 

13. Jennie Kngle's Serio Comic. 

14. The Fiehling's Songster. 

15. Wayne & Lovely's Acrobatic. 

16. Johiiny Roach's'Kmenild. 
n. I want to go Home to Mama. 

18. Luke Schoolcraft's Sliine on. 

19. Hilly Cotton's Old Black Joe. 
■JO. Delehantv & Hengler's Love, &c. 

21. Billie & -Maggie Ray's Old Lou Cabin. 

22. McAndrew's VV.atef Melon Man. 

2:1. J.'hnny Roach's Its Funny when you Feel, &c. 

24. Harrigan & Hart's Mulligan Guards. 

25. Walters and Morton's My Gal. 
2t). Billv Carter's Great Banjo Solo. 

27. Johnson & Power's Little Moke. 

28. Jennie Engle's Favorite Songs. 

29. Shoot the Hat. 

30. Freeman Sisters' On Board the Mary Jane. 

31. Jennie Hutrhes' I Should Like To. 

32. Woman's Temperance. 

33. Gus Williams' Belle of the Ball. 

34. The Fieldings' Tipperary Couple. 

35. Harrigan & Hart's Tom Collins. 

36. Wild & Bradley's Big Fat Nance. 

37. Larry Tooley's, Bouncing Dutchman. 

38. Harrigan & HaVt's Regular Army. 

39. Ain't vou Awful. 

40. Harrigan & Hart's Patrick's Day Parade. 

41. Arnolil Brothers' Jig, Song and Dance. 

42. Diamond & Ryan's Irish Hod Carriers. 

43. Harrigan & Hart's Mulligan Grds (2d An. Prde) 

44. Sandford <Si Wilson's Musical Mokes. 

45. Harrigan & Hart's Skidmore Guards. 

46. Billv Courtwright'sFlewy,Flewy,FlewySngstr 

47. Harper & Stansill's One Legged Songster. 

48. Fielding's Irish Domestics Songster. 

49. Tonv Pastor's Traveling S<master. 

50. Jenny Morgan's Kiss Songster. 

51. Foy Sisters Mr. and Mrs. Thompson. 

52. W'ild& Bradley Theatre Comique. 

53. Alice Harrison's Olympic. 

54. Billy Carter's Champion Banjo. 
5.5. Cool Burgess' Nicodemus Johnson. 

56. Alice Bennett's Laughing Eyes. 

57. Richmond Sister's Challenge Song and Dance. 

58. Harrigan & Hart's Day we Celebrate. 

59. Dr. J. L. Thayer's Laugh and Grow Fat, &c. 

60. Sheridan & Mack's Knocking on de Outside, &c. 

61. Harrigan & Hart's Gallant 69th. 

62. T. M. Hengler's Fun in the Kitchen. 

63. D.-lehanty & Cummings' Sunset in the South. 

64. Rollin Howard's Dramatic. 

t;5. C. L Davis' Dutch Song and Dance. 

66. Johnson & Bruno's Mania Monia Nigs. 

67. Sam Devere's Caricature Song. 

68. Miles Morris' Roger O'Malley. 

69. Harrigan & Hart's Blue and Gray. 

70. Harper & Stansill's Sweet June Rose. 

71. Ada Richmond's Wait Till Moonlight Falls, &c. 

72. P.at Rooney's O'Reilly You're N. G. 

73. La Verd Sisters Sailing on the Lake. 

74. Ella Wesner's King of Trump?. 
75 T. M. Hengler's Sweet Aleen. 

76. Harrigan & Hart's Hililebrand Montrose. 

77. Jolly Nash's Our Boys. 

78. Tierney & Cronin's Ashantee Recruits. 

79. Big Four, Lester, Allen. Smith & Waldron. 

80. The Murray's Drops of Blarney. 

81. Western & Walling's Just as You See us Now. 
82 Am. Team, Wayne, Lovely, Cotton & Birdue. 

83. Jakey Wooltingstein. 

84. Larry Tooley's Turn Down Yonr Collar 

85. Bennett & Kernell's Across the Raging Waters. 

86. Foster & Dudley's Irish Clog. Song and Dance. 



81. ""- ■ «-«'•, 



Vocal Ch.aracter Sketch. 



89. 
90. 
91. 
92. 
93. 
94. 
95. 
96. 
97. 
98. 
99, 
100. 
101. 
102. 
103. 
104. 
105. 
106. 
107. 
108. 
109. 
110. 
111. 
112. 
113. 
114. 
115. 
116. 
117 
118. 
119. 
120. 
121. 
122. 
123. 
124. 
125. 
1 26. 
127. 
12-<. 
129. 
130. 
131. 
132. 
133. 
134. 
135. 
136. 
137. 
138. 
139. 
140. 
141. 
142. 
143. 
144. 
145. 
146. 
147. 
148. 
149. 
150. 
151. 
152. 
153. 
154 
155. 
156. 
157. 
158. 
159. 
160 
161. 
162. 
163. 
164. 
165 
166. 
167. 
168, 
169. 
170, 
171 
172. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




.v?!..?.V"S 103 945 7 4 



H. Osborne's & F. Wentworth's Lad <K Liass, ixc. 

Johnson & Bruno's Just from Tennessee. 

Scan Ion & Cronin's Irishmen to the Front. 

Fov Sisters' Branigan Band. 

Harrigan & Hart's S. O. T. 

Niles & Evans' Two Love Letters. 

Arnold Brothers' Triple Clog, Song and Dance. 

Kirk & Drew's Mischievous Offspring. 

Sam Devere's A Lean Banana. 

Harry Braham's Silly Bill and Father. 

Si'anlan & Cronin's Poor, but a Gentleman Still. 

Harrigan & Hart's Slavery Dajs. 

Dick Sands' Irish Character 

Bryant & Williams' Slender Nigs. 

Lizzie Braham's Sweet Bye and Bye. 

Delehanty & Hengler's Re-united Serenaders. 

Murray's Old and Young. 

Frank Lewis' Motto Songster. 

Harrigan & Hart's Gliding Down the Stream. 

Harrigan & Hart, Walking for dat Cake. 

Je|)pe and Fanny Delano's Love at First Sight. 

Clara Moore's Character and Descriptive. 

Will Morton's Behind the Scenes. 

Kelly & Ryan's Bards of Tar.a. 

Bran New Big Four. 

Co(d Burgess Don't Get Weary. 

Scanlan & Cronin, Dundreary O'Donnell. 

James D Roonies' Fashionanle Beats 

Lyilia Thompson's On the Strict Q. T. 

The Peasleys' O'Riel leys' Raffle. 

(iirard Brothers' Dancing in the Sunlight. 

Harrigan & Hart's Sunday Night when, &c. , 

Chas. Konollman's New York Variety. 

Sheehan & Jones' Man of Education. 

Chas Diamond's Milanese Minstrels. 

The Murdoch's Don't You Do It. 

Will. H. Trimble's Specially. 

The Bennett's Kitchen Domestic. 

F. Lewis's Remember you have Ciiildren, &c. 

Larry Tooley's Muttoji Pie. 

Harry Woodson's Gwine Back to Dixie. 

Harrigan & Hart's Front Stoop. 

The McKee's Dancing in the Barn. 

Worden & Mack's Little Ruby 

Ben Dodge's Don't take anv Notice. 

Collyer & Kelly's BucJt Goat. 

Delehanty & Hengler's Strawberries and Cream. 

Fields & Hoey Musical Songster. 

Whoa Emma 

Hiirry Montague's At it Asain. 

Harrv Bennett's Charley Fl>nu. 

Tim tloger's Ain't he a Baby. 

Harrigan & Hart's Isle de Black well. 

Hobby Newcomb's Sweet Forget nie Not. 

H. Osborne & F. Wentworth's Irish Comedian. 

Duncan Sisters' Down in the Meadows. 

Andy and Annie Hughes Hapi>y Irish Couple, 

Robert McKay's Since der Band was Broken up. 

Will H Morton's America's Comique. 

J. K Emmet's Lullaby. 

Pat Rooney's Day I Played Base Ball 

Seaiiion & Scniimers' H-tp. Lit. Chil. from the So. 

Queen & West's Popular Songster. 

Bt-nnett's Combination. 

Pat Rooney's Day I Walked O'Leary. 

Barlow Brothers' Cabin Floor 

Harrigan & Hart's Such an Education, &c. 

Delehanty & Hengler's Laugh and Be Merry. 

Jennie Hughes' Cash, Cash Songster. 

Goss & Fox Jubilee Songster. 

Flora Moore's Just Over Songster. 

Folev & Sheffer's Big Pound Cake Songster 



A. J. FISHER, PUBLISHER, 24 VESEY STREET, N. Y. 



